*Edward and Bella are talking a walk in the forest of the Clans, talking*

Edward: I’m telling you, Bella, I won’t bite you till we’re married!

Bella: I don’t care about the biting, I just wanna have sex with you. After that, I really don’t care what you do to me.

Edward: Um. Hey look, a kitteh! *points to random tree*

Bella: Where?

*Edward runs away*

Bella: Nooo!!! My sexy vampire! *stumbles around blindly* Now I’m lost! There’s a hole in my heart! I can’t breathe!

*Leafpool, Crowfeather, Squirrelflight, Jaypaw, Brambleclaw, and Ashfur emerge from the forest*

Leafpool: Oh shut up. You don’t deserve a vampire. *looks around for Edward* Oh, my sweet vampire, where are you?

Crowfeather: Oh, so now you want me to suck your blood too? *starts sobbing uncontrollably* So now I’m not GOOD enough for you?

Jaypaw: Crybaby. I can’t believe you’re my dad.

Brambleclaw: Wh-what? *looks at Squirrelflight* You mean you never had my kits?! *curls up in a little ball* So…much…betrayal!

Bella: Um, who are you?

Ashfur: *to Brambleclaw* Paranoid freak. *to Bella* We’re cats. Talking cats.

*Edward reappears with Emmett and Jasper*

Emmett: Ooh! Talking kittehs!!!

Leafpool: Ohmygod, he’s HAWT! *bats eyelashes seductively at Edward* Hey, handsome, you can father my kits anytime!

Edward: Ok, ew.

Bella: *growling* Stay away from my man!

Emmett: *playing rock, paper, scissors with Jaypaw* Best two out of three!

Jasper: Um, what are you doing? He doesn’t even have thumbs.

Jaypaw: Well, you don’t have tails. Am I criticizing you?

Emmett: If I win, I get that kool stick! *points to Jaypaw’s stick*

Jaypaw: *snarling* You can’t ever have my stick! *strokes it longingly* It’s my special friend!

Edward: *reading Jaypaw’s mind* Ok, double ew!

Jasper: Whatever. *to Emmett* Do you think cats’ blood tastes any good?

Squirrelflight: *flirtatiously* Wanna find out?

Ashfur: Oh, so you won’t do it with me or Brambleclaw *flicks tail at Brambleclaw, who’s rocking back and forth sucking his paw* but you’ll go for a vampire?

Squirrelflight: Taller’s more fun.

Edward: This is so wrong.

Bella: *purring seductively* We can make it wronger if you want! *lunges for Edward’s shirt*

Leafpool: No! He’s mine! *pounces*

Crowfeather: Get away from him! Traitor! *leaps on the three of them*

Jaypaw: Daddy! I have emotional issues! Help me! *snuggles up to Crowfeather*

Edward: Mmphschtimp! (That stick is poking me!)

Bella: Ooh, cozy!

Jasper: Edward! I’ll save you! *joins the pile*

Squirrelflight: Oh, group sex! *lands on Jasper, pile topples over*

*Ashfur and Brambleclaw hop on*

Both: Yay!

Bella: Ouch!

Edward: Oh no! Bella has a bruise! CALL THE AMBULENCE!!!

Emmett: Yay! Group hug! *squeezes everyone*

*Hollypaw and Brackenfur walk by. Brackenfur’s eyes grow wide.*

Brackenfur: Hollypaw! Your virgin eyes! *covers her eyes with his tail*

Hollypaw: Oh! Is it group sex? Willowpaw and I did that once-

Jaypaw: Hollypaw! I can’t believe you!

Hollypaw: Hey, you’re not one to talk. You do it with a stick.

Emmett: Who ever won that rock, paper, scissors game anyway?

Bella: Edward, the cats are scratching me in odd places.

Edward: There’s a brown tabby on my butt.

Leafpool: And I’m not letting go anytime soon!

*Firestar walks by with Sandstorm*

Firestar: Just keep walking, Sandstorm. Just keep walking.

Sandstorm: Hey look, group sex!


The End…?